Days Free of Fic: 0
Longest Streak: 1
Current Subscriptions: 17
Todays Steps:
- Quitting Fic: Cleaning Up AO3 History
- Moving Forward: What harm has it caused?
Life gets hard, good days become normal days and the craving is increasing, the lack is starting to show itself more and more as work amps up, relatives fall ill, and cat needs meds that are out of stock. Feelings of anxiety, inadequacy and drowning in life start to appear more and more, as I do my best to actively avoid the strategy that made me feel better.
I don’t honestly have a lot of emotional regulation and stress management tools that don’t involve fic in some way. And as those levels increase, as I continue to slowly eliminate easy access to it my brain starts to mess with me.
Its not like you are drinking Alcohol. This is a cheap hobby, that hurts no one.
OR
Just keep this few fics around. You’ll be able to control yourself and only read this one when you really need it. Or you deserve to see how this one ends.
Step 2: Cleaning Up AO3 History
You may have noticed that a lot of these steps I say cleaning up instead of clear. It should be clear. And the goal is completely clear, but I can’t make myself do it yet. (And if there is a statement that proves its an addiction I feel like that could be it). I’m like the alcoholic that’s like I just won’t drink alone. Or I just won’t drink the hard stuff.
And that’s why step 10 in my list is repeat. Because I know myself. I know I’ll have days I can’t wipe things out entirely and I’ll need to come back. My goal is to do it a little everyday if I can’t do a complete sweep. To slowly eliminate and to ask myself do I need this?
History is essentially my bookmarks. I keep this list carefully currated.
While I did start with the easier thing subscriptions I put this as number two because its also the one I use the most and the one that needs to be reduced quickly. I know its going to be hard. As obvious that just like with my subs list I’m doing sweeps instead of using that super easy Clear History Button.
Also I was able to clean up some more subs as I went through this. Stories I didn’t realize were complete or stories I didn’t realize had been so long.
If you can press Clear History. Do it. Do it NOW. Erase that past don’t fall into the trap of overthinking.
Starting Fics in History: 80
Sweep A: Not Updated Within A Year
Here is where I chose to start. I wanted to find all the stories that were unfinished in my history that haven’t been updated in a year. History to its benefit has a date stamp on each that shows last update.
Quickly scroll through your list and delete anything that has a bookmark more than a year within todays date. These authors aren’t coming back so wave good bye. You will never know how it ends so it doesn’t matter if its gone today.
This deleted a whole page of history for me.
Fics Remaining: 60
Sweep B: I don’t care fics
This is where I went through and quickly scanned titles and summaries and found the ones that I had deleted off of subs because I didn’t remember enough to miss them. I also culled unfinished fics that haven’t been updated in the last six months.
Should this category be all fanfictions. YUP. Because I don’t want to care. I desperately don’t want to care. But I do, so so strongly.
Fics Remaining: 48
Sweep C: Completed or Recent Updates
This got hard. This was my final sweep. Completed stories. Some of these fell into the it was good when I read it but I don’t think I’d enjoy it a second time and were easier. Others of these are fics that I’ve read as comfort reads on repeat since I was a teenager. It was saying goodbye to history and emotions and coping mechanisms I held for a long time.
Fics that I have fallen into recently, remember what they are about, and get excited about and getting regular updates were harder as well. At least the ones I’d read before on repeat I know the story well enough. But these, that OMG what happens next feeling is so strong.
Honestly, I wasn’t super successful. By far if I’m letting a fic survive the list. It’s these ones. But I cleared up 75% and we are going to celebrate that win.
Fics Remaining: 20
Step 2: What harm has it caused?
My plan was something else for my moving forward step. But this is what I think I need to focus on today. Remembering the harm this has done as my mind tries to make it seem not so bad.
Remembering tests failed, opportunities’ declined or denied because I would rather read fanfiction. Dropping out of grad school because I didn’t know how to study and couldn’t break the cycle of reading fanfiction to help with the panic.
The fact that my health is declining and I know if I cooked I would be able to better to control my flares but I’d rather eat take out so I can have that time to read. That so terribly out of shape and I know my adhd and anxiety is better if I exercise daily, but that time gets devoted to reading instead.
The anxiety of a work day of wonder if someday I’ll get found out and fired because I was reading when I should have been working. (this at least is the area I’m most successful cutting back right now).
Anxiety when I talk to my coworker who is wildly more productive than me not just because of ADHD but also because she’s not constantly desiring to be somewhere else. The guild that if I read less I could keep up with her and make those kinds of impacts in the company as well.
And just looking around at my chaos of a house that I’ve dumped probably a couple thousand dollars in trying to get it cleaned, organized and redecorated in parts and it keeps ending up in disarray because I’d rather be reading fanfiction.
And the 1000 books spread throughout my house that I do want to read someday.
I don’t want to dwell on these too much as the negative emotional spiral will drive me back to fic to avoid (constant loop of my life for at least 15 years). But I wanted to remind myself these are the things I am saying goodbye to as I say goodbye to fic.
A story might feel like its not worth saying goodbye to but the fact reading that work will drive me to find more and will drive the behaviors above.
What behavior are you saying goodbye to that you KNOW you won’t miss as you say goodbye to fics you feel you need?
Take the next step forward. You got this. – Mels
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